Removal of Potty Chair Sparks Bathroom Panic

The owners of a New York City apartment are reportedly panic-stricken after removing a potty chair after six years, only to discover that their home has only one bathroom. “We always assumed we had two,” said a befuddled Jennifer Tarpley. “Honestly, I never thought we’d miss that stinking thing,” added her teary-eyed husband, Todd. Efforts to retrieve the potty chair from the city sanitation department were unsuccessful. Said an spokesperson, “This is why suburbs were invented.”

Unemployed Man Refuses to Leave Elementary School

A Manhattan man is in psychiatric care after repeatedly refusing to vacate school premises after dropping off his kids. The unidentified 43-year-old, jobless for the second time in three years, claims that he is simply fulfilling his obligation as an emotionally accessible father. However, the sons, ages seven and four, claim they have “absolutely no need” for their father’s continued presence at school. “He’s always trying to make jokes and hug me goodbye for, like, twenty minutes,” said the seven-year-old. “Why can’t he just go to work like other dads?” echoed the four-year-old, making an “L” gesture with his fingers for “loser.” School officials acknowledged the issue but declined to comment.

Woman Celebrates 40th Birthday With Ritualistic Stroller Sacrifice

A Manhattan woman celebrated a milestone birthday by throwing her family’s last remaining stroller over the rim of a 2,000-foot volcano. Jennifer Tarpley, 40, said the ritual was intended to appease the gods and symbolize the end of a phase of parenthood that she would prefer to forget. “I hated pushing that damn thing around,” she said. “I hated folding it up to carry onto a bus or up subway stairs. I hated people who wouldn’t move out of the way. I hated trying to get through store aisles.” Experts suggest that the stroller ritual occasionally triggers an unintended effect, arousing the fertility gods.

Seven-Year-Old's First Sleepover is "Den of Sin"

Friends and relatives living in red states say seven-year-old Samuel Tarpley’s first sleepover was a mixed-gender “devils’ playground” that stretched until almost 11pm. Samuel and a female classmate reportedly caroused in their pajamas, played suggestive games like “Go Fish,” and—according to unconfirmed reports—shared a single sleeping bag. Neighbors reported hearing children’s voices at approximately 10:15pm singing the theme song from the TV show “Code Lyoko,” which, when played backwards, appears to say, “Swap spit, eat Snickers.” “Is this what constitutes a moral upbringing in New York?” asked a concerned minister rhetorically. Samuel’s parents were busy watching HBO and were unavailable for comment.